A few days ago, I received a message from one of you who’s working on a presentation about "Escalation Tactics" and wanted my point of view on the topic. She asked some thoughtful questions: How do we stay composed in the heat of escalation? Can those moments actually strengthen relationships? And what do I wish I’d known earlier about handling them?

It’s a great topic - not just for managers, but for anyone who’s ever had to deliver bad news, manage up, deal with cross-functional tension, or work through conflict in a high-stakes setting (so, basically, all of us). This post aims to help one of you, for the rest of us to benefit... and to remind you that you can always ask me a question. That’s what all of this is for at the end of the day.

Tip of the Week: Escalation moments test our skills, but they also reveal our habits, our systems, and our relationships. Learn to listen for the signal inside the noise.

Today’s reflections on staying grounded under pressure reminded me of a powerful conversation I had with John Rossman on the Think Like Amazon podcast. John led the launch of Amazon Marketplace and has since become a trusted expert on innovation, risk-taking, and leadership. We talked about the mindset and systems behind what he calls “big bet leadership” - how great companies balance operational excellence with bold, calculated moves.

If you’re navigating high-stakes decisions or simply want to lead with more clarity and intention, I highly recommend giving this episode a listen.

📺 Watch on YouTube | 🎧 Or listen anywhere

The Theory Behind

Escalations test our ability to stay composed (not our intelligence). Why is it so hard to keep our cool during high-pressure escalations? Because our amygdala (the brain’s threat detector) kicks in, hijacking our nervous system and triggering a fight-or-flight response. We feel attacked, cornered, exposed. But a simple pause (a breath, a beat, a “let me get back to you on that”) can break the cycle. That pause gives us a moment to choose our response instead of reacting on autopilot. In emotional intelligence, that gap is everything.

Every escalation is a signal, an opportunity for improvement. Escalations can absolutely be opportunities, but only if we’re willing to reframe what they are. Most aren’t about the issue itself, they’re a signal that something underneath is misaligned: a handoff broke down, a deadline slipped, expectations weren’t clear. At Amazon, we used to say the fastest way to find a weak spot in your process was getting a “?” email from Jeff Bezos, literally just a forwarded customer complaint with a question mark. Escalations sting, but they also shine a light on what must improve. Solve the issue, yes; but also ask yourself: What do we need to change so this never happens again?

Relationships are forged (or fractured) in moments of tension. Escalations can damage relationships, but they can also deepen them. In 1974, psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron conducted a now-famous study involving two bridges over the Capilano River in Vancouver. One was low and sturdy; the other was high and shaky. Male participants who met a female researcher on the shaky bridge were significantly more likely to call her afterward. Their stress response was subconsciously transferred into a stronger emotional connection. I’ve seen this at work too: some of my closest partnerships started with tension or conflict. When escalation is handled with care and transparency, it doesn’t erode trust... it strengthens it.

What I’ve Learned

You don’t need a title to practice escalation skills. Some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned came before I managed a large team: dealing with client tension, cross-functional friction, or exec requests I didn’t feel ready for. I used to think being effective in those moments meant being right or having all the answers. Now I believe it’s about being curious and staying calm. Escalations reflect who we are under pressure. They don’t always need to be solved in real time (some of my worst decisions actually came from moving too fast). These days, I give myself permission to pause and say, “Let me review this with the team and come back to you.” That doesn’t make you look uncertain, it makes you look thoughtful. Often, what’s needed isn’t control or urgency, but presence. If you treat escalations like threats, you’ll build walls. If you treat them like signals, you’ll build trust.

Make It Happen

1. Name the hijack. Notice when your body is reacting. Elevated heart rate, tense posture, or racing thoughts. That’s your cue to pause, not push.

2. Interrupt the spiral. One intentional breath or a simple phrase like “Let me take a second to process this” can shift the energy in the room.

3. Break it down. Ask yourself: Is this about trust? A broken process? A communication gap? Don’t fight the fire until you understand what’s fueling it.

4. Ask high-leverage questions. Move from defensiveness to clarity by asking: “What outcome are you hoping for?” or “What feels most urgent to solve right now?”

5. Take calm ownership. Even if it’s not your fault, take the lead in resolving the situation. Say what you’ll do next, and follow through.

6. Design for prevention. After the heat dies down, ask: “What system failed here?” Use that insight to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

7. Follow up and close the loop. Once it’s resolved, check back in. Share what you changed, ask for feedback, and leave the relationship stronger than before.

Thanks again to the reader who prompted this post. If you’re working on a talk, a training, or even just wrestling with a sticky topic at work - send it my way. I’m always open to these types of requests, and I’d love to keep these conversations going.

Stay cool,

Jorge Luis Pando

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