Let me say this upfront: this newsletter isn’t about me preaching from a mountaintop. If anything, it’s a weekly reminder that I’m learning right alongside you. Most of what I write comes from frameworks I’ve picked up, tested, struggled with, and sometimes forgotten and relearned again.

One of the simplest (and most useful) frameworks that I need to re-learn from time to time is the idea that when someone brings you a problem, what they need isn't always a fix. Sometimes, they just need a human response. So, as I am re-learning this, I thought you might find it useful too.

Tip of the Week: Next time someone’s struggling, don’t rush to fix the situation. First ask: Do they need to be helped, heard, or hugged?

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The Theory Behind

People rarely want advice right away. When someone comes to us with a problem, we often assume they’re looking for answers. But more often, they’re looking for connection. That’s where the “3H Framework” (Helped, Heard, Hugged) comes in. It serves as a reminder that people need practical support, emotional validation, or a sense of closeness. Think of it as a quick mental check-in: before you respond, ask yourself what they’re really needing. Whether you’re leading a team, talking to a friend, or comforting your kid, these three cues tell someone, you’re not alone.

There’s a reason many of us get this wrong. Research shows that some of us (especially men) are socialized to jump to problem-solving, while others are more attuned to emotional presence. Psychologist Niobe Way has shown how boys often learn to suppress vulnerability, and Deborah Tannen’s work highlights how gender shapes communication patterns. As a result, many of us skip the emotional connection and go straight to fixing - even when that’s not what’s needed. The 3Hs give us a way to pause and "connect before we correct."

Self-Determination Theory explains why this works. SDT tells us that humans thrive when we feel autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Each “H” lines up with one of those needs. Being Helped supports competence. Feeling Heard reinforces autonomy. Being Hugged (literally or symbolically) boosts relatedness. That’s why the 3Hs area good framework when we truly want to help someone get back on track.

What I’ve Learned

Phil Dunphy gets it (eventually). There’s a Modern Family scene where Phil’s wife calls him with a problem, and he jumps into “fix it” mode. It doesn’t go well. The advice he gets from the women at the salon is clear: “Just say, ‘That sucks.’” He does, and it works. It’s funny, but also real. Sometimes the most effective response isn’t a solution; it’s simply being there. [side note: I've learned so much from Phil, watch the video here]

Sometimes I add a few more Hs. Over time, I’ve learn that people sometimes also want Hope. Sometimes Humor. These small shifts can lighten the load or help someone see the bigger picture. The core idea remains: meet people where they are. Offer presence, and don't jump straight to performance.

Make It Happen

Here are 7 ways you can use the 3H framework today (in any kind of conversation):

1. Pause before solving. Ask yourself: Do they feel helped, heard, or hugged yet? If not, hold the advice.

2. Say, “That sounds really hard.” It’s simple, and it works. Just naming their emotion helps them feel understood.

3. Ask: “Do you want help or just someone to listen?” Let them guide the type of support they need.

4. Offer real help (even small stuff). Help can be as simple as “Want me to take that off your plate?” or “Can I send a quick resource?”

5. Give a hug (or something like it). This could be a kind word, a hand on the shoulder, or staying present after the meeting ends.

6. Use it on yourself, too. Ask: Do I feel helped, heard, hugged lately? Take time to care for you.

7. Lighten the moment with hope or humor. A smile, a joke, or a gentle reminder that things can improve. It helps more than you think.

Connecting before correcting,

Jorge Luis Pando

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